When you’re just beginning the divorce process, it’s natural to want to keep things peaceful—especially if you’re divorcing a narcissist or someone who has historically held control over financial or emotional aspects of your marriage. Many women hope that starting gently will lead to a smoother, more collaborative experience.
But here’s the reality we see again and again in high-net-worth divorces: if you don’t start strong, you risk losing control—and that can cost you financially and emotionally for years to come.
As a financial advisor who works with women navigating complex divorces, I recently had two back-to-back experiences that perfectly highlighted this truth.
Example 1: Strategic Strength from the Start
Earlier this week, I was in a meeting with a new client and her divorce attorney. This woman is just beginning the divorce process, and her natural inclination was to proceed cooperatively. However, her attorney recommended right away that the court appoint a neutral financial expert to value the family businesses. It was a bold move—and more assertive than the client had expected—but it was absolutely the right one.
The attorney’s strategy made it clear: this divorce would be handled with clarity, professionalism, and firm boundaries. That sends a powerful message to the other side, especially when complex assets are involved.
Example 2: Waiting Too Long to Take Action
Contrast that with another woman I spoke to this week. She’s now months into her divorce and is approaching trial. She started with a collaborative mindset and delayed taking formal steps to protect herself. Now, much of her financial leverage has evaporated. The divorce has dragged on, the costs have mounted, and she’s facing a more uncertain outcome—because she didn’t take a strong position from the beginning.
Why Women Often Delay Being Assertive in Divorce
In many high-asset divorce cases, particularly when divorcing someone with narcissistic traits, women default to preserving harmony. They may fear conflict, hope for fairness, or feel morally obligated to take the high road. But in doing so, they unintentionally give their spouse the upper hand—and often, control of the timeline and the narrative.
That’s why I tell my clients: Starting strong isn’t about aggression—it’s about protection.
Pros of Being Assertive Early in Divorce
- Sets the tone for transparency: A confident divorce strategy discourages your spouse from withholding information or delaying the process.
- Protects complex financial interests: If business valuations, investments, or real estate holdings are involved, taking swift action ensures these assets are handled correctly from the start.
- Stops manipulative behavior early: Narcissistic or controlling spouses are less likely to take advantage if they see you’ve assembled a strong team.
- Increases your negotiating power: When you show you mean business, you’re more likely to reach a fair settlement outside of court.
Cons of an Aggressive Divorce Strategy (and Why They’re Often Overcome)
- May temporarily increase tension: The early stages might feel more adversarial, but often this leads to a quicker resolution.
- Can feel emotionally uncomfortable: Especially for women who value peace or fear conflict, being assertive can feel unnatural—but it is often necessary.
- May be perceived as confrontational: But with the right attorney and financial team, you can be firm without being hostile.
Final Thoughts: Be Strategic, Not Reactive
If you’re considering divorce—or just beginning the process—ask yourself this critical question: Am I making decisions that protect my long-term financial and emotional well-being, or am I trying to avoid short-term discomfort?
Starting your divorce with a clear, assertive strategy—guided by the right attorney and financial advisor—can make all the difference, especially in complex, high-net-worth divorces.
Need help protecting your financial future during divorce?
At Purposeful Wealth Advisors, we specialize in financial planning for women over 50 navigating high-net-worth divorces—especially those who were not involved in financial decision-making during their marriage. If you’re divorcing a narcissist or facing a complex financial situation, contact us for a complimentary 30-minute consultation to discuss how to protect what matters most.
Any opinions are those of the author and not necessarily those of Raymond James. Raymond James and its advisors do not offer tax or legal advice. You should discuss any tax or legal matters with the appropriate professional.
